Dynasty Warriors: Cao Cao's Battle Report: The Complete Saga
by Sonata-Time-Nocturne-Aoi
Summary: Complete! Witness Cao Cao's hilarious downfall from glory in this crazy epic saga! This is a re-release of our Dynasty Warrior themed stories focused around Cao Cao and the Wei officers we have written over the years. Each story has been re-edited and re-formatted. Whether you have seen the originals or missed them completely, these will be worth the nostalgic read again! Rated T.
1. Introduction

**Story** : Dynasty Warriors: Cao Cao's Battle Report: The Complete Saga  
 **Author** : Master Jin Sonata  
 **Written** : July 4th, 2016  
 **Genre** : Humor  
 **Rating** : T (Violence, Language)  
 **Disclaimer** : I do not own Koei or its unfortunate ruler.

* * *

 **This is a collection of Cao Cao-themed comedy fics we have published on this site from several years ago. We will be removing the original versions, so this definitive update is where you will now find them! In this collection you will find** :

 **Cao Cao's Battle Report: Wei To Fail  
** (Fixed With Updated Dialogue)  
Originally Published On May 2nd, 2006

 **Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Battlefield Folly  
** (Fixed With Updated Dialogue & Condensed Chapters)  
Originally Published On November 9th, 2006

 **Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Total Chaos  
** (Fixed With Updated Dialogue & Condensed Chapters)  
Originally Published On May 29th, 2007

 **Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: End of Honor  
** (Fixed With Updated Dialogue & Condensed Chapters)  
Originally Published On August 3rd, 2007

* * *

 **Please proceed to the next chapter for the first story:** **Cao Cao's Battle Report: Wei To Fail** **!**


	2. Cao Cao's Battle Report: Wei To Fail

**Cao Cao's Battle Report: Wei To Fail**

Cao Cao, who sat on his throne inside his castle, was contemplating his next big move to take over all of China. Seconds later, the main doors fly open, and someone rushes toward him. It was a scout he had sent earlier to report on the progress of the battle his forces were participating in.

" **Lord Cao Cao, I return with news on the battle that's taking place as we speak,"** the scout says as he bows before his lord.

" **Good. I assume my army is proving victorious over the enemy forces?"** Cao Cao questions, taking a sip from his wine cup.

" **Actually, sir,"** the scout gulps, **"Your forces are on the brink of being completely wiped out, my Lord."**

Cao Cao's eyes fly open in astonishment as he then spits out his drink.

" **What do you mean our forces are on the brink of being destroyed? Well, let's here that report already!"** Cao Cao demands.

" **Um, right sir,"** the scout says, pulling out a scroll from his vest.

" **What's the status of our supply bases?"** Cao Cao questions.

" **Under the complete control of the Wu forces, sir."**

" **What? Okay, what's the status of our siege ramps and catapults?"**

" **Repossessed by the Shu forces, sir."**

Cao Cao blinks for a second, before his facial expression turns to anger.

" **What about our troops? How's our archer unit faring?"**

" **Archer unit annihilated by an unknown unit of musketeers, sir."**

" **Muskets! What in the-?! What about our fire brigade?"**

" **Put out by a rock slide, sir."**

" **What about our sorcerers?"**

" **Fried by Zhang Jiao's wrath of heaven, sir."**

"… **Our reserve units?"**

" **Beaten to death by Diao Chan, sir."**

" **Enough of this! Certainly my top Officers are still in the blue…"** Cao Cao says, clenching his teeth.

" **Well, uh, sir…"**

" **Just get on with it! How's the mighty Xiahou Dun faring?"**

" **Trampled to death by Meng Huo's elephants, sir."**

Cao Cao's eye starts twitching. **"…What about Xu Zhu?"**

The scout wheels in a giant steaming meat bun into the room. **"All that's left of him, sir."**

" **Goddammit! What about Zhang He?"**

" **A beautiful mess on the battlefield, sir."**

" **Dian Wei?"**

The scout pulls out a bottle of Mr. Clean, with Dian Wei's horrified face plastered the front of the bottle.

" **What about Zhen Ji?"**

" **Got her flute shoved down her windpipe."**

" **My strategist, Sima Yi?"**

" **He's now Zhuge Liang's bitch, sir."**

" **Xiahou Yuan?"**

" **Was Musou'd clear through a stone mountain, sir."**

" **My son Cao Pi?"**

" **Decked by Zuo Ci's mystic cards, sir."**

" **Cao Ren?"**

" **Killed by Huang Zhong's arrows during a ride-by shooting, sir."**

" **Pang De?"**

" **Destroyed, sir."**

" **Xu Huang?"**

" **Obliterated, sir."**

" **Zhang Liao?"**

The scout hands Cao Cao Zhang Liao's hat, which was full of his ashes.

" **GAAAAAHHHH!"**

Cao quickly stands and approaches the scout, snatching the report from him and tearing it into process.

" **It'll be a matter of time before I'm next! I've got to get out of here,** **now** **!"** Cao Cao says in a panic.

" **But sir, every force is on their way to the castle as we speak,"** the scouts responds.

" **Then ready my secret BFG weapon and fire it at them immediately!"** Cao Cao commands in a panicky voice.

" **No can do, sir. They already got a hold of it, and are planning to use it to break into your castle,"** the scouts responds.

Just then, a loud explosion is heard down the hallway.

" **They've breached the castle! Hurry, you must protect me as I make my escape!"** Cao Cao commands.

" **Negative, sir. It seems that someone has stabbed me in my chest with a spear,"** the scout replies, as the spear's owner tosses him aside like a rag-doll. It was Lu Bu.

Cao Cao gulps as Lu Bu and every other Officer in China surrounds him within seconds. Cao Cao turns around and tries to escape, but was quickly caught by the collar by Lu Bu's spear. He drags Cao Cao closer to him.

" **Whoa, where do you think you're going?"** Lu Bu bellows.

" **If you are going to kill me, do it quickly and get it over with!"** Cao Cao says, clenching his eyes, waiting for the deathblow.

" **Kill you?"** Lu Bu questions. He and everyone in the room began to laugh. **"Why, we aren't here to kill you. We're here just to give you your wallet back! It's a shame we had to barrel through your forces to get this to you. Hope we didn't cause too much harm. Well, see you later,"** Lu Bu says, tossing a leather wallet into Cao Cao's hands. Lu Bu then lets him down as he and everyone else then exits the castle.

Cao Cao had a blank look on his face as he stands there wondering what the hell just happened.

Then it hit him….

…he didn't own a wallet. He checks inside the wallet and pulls out an I.D. card.

It read: **Nobunaga Oda**

Cao Cao felt an icy chill about him as he felt the presence of another group of people behind him. He turns around….

…and was face to face with the heroes and villains of Japan: The Samurai Warriors.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	3. Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Part 1

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Battlefield Folly Part 1**

Cao Cao and some of his grunts were on top of a hill overlooking the raging battle taking place below. The Wei Forces were battling the other Kingdoms in a struggle to claim all of China.

" **This land and all of China will soon be mine!"** Cao Cao exclaims, as he sips his favorite wine while mounted on his horse. Just then, a soldier came running up from behind them and stops alongside of Cao Cao. It was his trusted scout he sent earlier to survey the conflict.

" **Lord Cao Cao, sir, I have much to report on the current situation,"** the scout says, bowing in front of his leader.

" **I assume everything is going according to plan?"** Cao Cao questions, finishing his drink.

" **Actually, sir, its quite the opposite,"** the scout responds.

Cao Cao nearly spat out his drink after hearing this. **"What do mean 'quite the opposite'?! Explain your self!"** he demands.

" **Sorry, sir, no can do. It seems I was attacked by an arrow along the way back here,"** the scout responds, handing Cao Cao the report before falling to the ground, revealing the arrow that was indeed in the scout's back.

Cao Cao takes the report and skims over the details. Within seconds, he raised his eyebrows in shock.

" **My officers are doing WHAT?!"** Cao Cao fumes angrily, tearing up the report, and rearing his horse to set off.

" **Where are you off to, Lord Cao Cao?"** one of his grunts asks.

" **To see what exactly is going on down there myself!"** he answers, before riding off toward the battlefield.

* * *

 **Fun with Sima Yi and Zhuge Liang 'or' Checkmate**

Cao Cao arrives at a neutral defense base in the middle of the battlefield. He gets off his horse and steps inside, where he sees a huge crowd of soldiers from all three kingdom's circled around two men who seem to be engaged in some sort of conflict.

" **Move it! Out of my way! Let me through!"** Cao Cao demands, as he pushed through the crowd until he gets to were the event was being held.

Sima Yi, his strategist, was in an intense battle against his arch nemesis, Zhuge Liang. Sima Yi made his move.

" **Check,"** Sima Yi says with a grin.

" **What in heavens name are you two doing?"** Cao Cao yells at the men.

" **Oh, hello, my Lord. As you can see, Zhuge Liang and I are battling each other in a game of wits and strategy,"** he says, punching the time clock signaling Zhuge Liang's turn was next.

"… **But you're playing Chess in the middle of a decisive battle to control all of China!"** says Cao Cao in disbelief.

" **Yes, yes. As you can see this is a much more intuitive way for us strategists to settle things between our forces. Whoever wins this game will control this base, and in one more move, I will be victorious,"** Sima Yi explains.

" **This is preposterous!"** Cao Cao growls, turning beet-red with anger, before the crowd behind him grabs him to shut him up for it was the other strategist's turn.

" **Hmm…this is a rather tight predicament you have me in, Sima Yi. It looks as if there is no possible way for me to win this round…"** Zhuge Liang says, scratching his chin.

" **Yes, and now you know who's more wiser when it comes to strategy. Now, make your move so I can claim victory,"** Sima Yi says with a boastful tone.

" **You may be right, then again, maybe not,"** Zhuge Liang says, looking upward at the sky. **"It's high noon. I have a meeting I must attend, so until next time, Sima Yi,"** Zhuge Liang says, getting up from his chair.

" **What?! You dare leave without finishing your move?"** Sima Yi says in anger.

" **Do not be alarmed, my dear rival, for I have arranged for someone to finish my turn for me,"** Zhuge Liang explains.

" **A replacement? Just what are you up t-?"** Sima Yi demands.

Before he could finish his sentence, a large hulking figuring mows his way trough the crowd and looms over the Wei strategist.

Sima Yi turns pale white when he sees whom his new opponent was.

It was Lu Bu.

" **Lets get this over with!"** Lu Bu says gruffly, taking his seat, and moving his chess piece across the board. He then punches the clock to signal his opponents turn.

Sima Yi began sweating furiously like a running faucet.

" **Um…er…I…well…um…"** he stammers, shakily moving his hand to make the final move.

" **Get on with it!"** Lu Bu 's voiced booms.

The strategist gulps. **"Ch-ch-checkmate…?"** he says with a cheesy smile at Lu Bu.

" **WHAT?! NO ONE BEATS LU BU!"** the towering warrior shouts in anger, kicking the table over and grabbing Sima Yi like he was a rag-doll.

" **Mother…"** Sima Yi squeaks. Several loud punching noises follow.

The next thing you saw was an outline of Sima Yi smashed into the stone-walls of the base.

Cao Cao was wide eyed with disbelief at what he saw. Suddenly, Lu Bu turns toward the crowd.

" **Who wants to face me in another round of Chess?"** he says, scanning the crowd for a worthy opponent.

He spots Cao Cao, who reacts by ducking deeper into the crowd. Lu Bu took his spear and fishes Cao Cao out of the crowd and lifts him up by his collar.

" **Are you going to provide me with a decent challenge?"** Lu Bu demands.

" **Um, uh…hey look! It's a fat, womanizing bastard!"** Cao Cao quickly responds, pointing at something past Lu Bu.

" **Dong Zhuo?"** Lu Bu responds, looking over his shoulder. The diversion was enough for Cao Cao to free himself and scurry out of the base to safety.

" **Damn, this is ridiculous! I going to see what other mess the rest of my officers are up to,"** Cao Cao says, hastily mounting his horse and riding off to another location before hot-headed Lu Bu get could get a hold of him again.

* * *

 **Xu Zhu and Elephants Aplenty**

Cao Cao rides across the battlefield until he reaches his next destination.

" **That report mentions something odd that Xu Zhu was doing. What could that fat-man be up to?"** he says, as he reaches a desolate part of the battlefield. That's where he saw Xu Zhu resting his giant metal club on his shoulder, minding his own business. Cao Cao gets off his horse and walks up to him from behind.

" **Xu Zhu!"** Cao Cao yells as he stops right behind him.

" **Huh?"** Xu Zhu says as he turns around, his club whacking Cao Cao across the head, knocking him to the ground.

Xu Zhu looks left and right and shrugs. **"Must be the wind…"** he says.

" **I'm down here you oaf!"** Cao Cao says, face-first in the dirt.

Xu Zhu looks down.

" **Oh! Hi Mr. Lord Cao Cao! What are you doing laying on the ground?"** he asks curiously, scratching his head. He leans down and picks Cao Cao up, standing him upright.

" **Never mind that!"** Cao Cao shoots back. **"What are you doing out here away from battle?"** he demands, brushing himself off.

" **Duh, I'm here playing with my new elephant friend!"** he says, in a proud tone.

" **Elephant friend? What on earth are you talking about?"** Cao Cao asks.

" **I'll show you!"** Xu Zhu says, before whistling out into the distance. Suddenly, a huge elephant came stomping toward them, skidding to a halt in front of Xu Zhu. **"See! I found him and now I've made him my new pet to play with!"** he continus, blushing.

"… **But that's a Nanman elephant!"** Cao Cao explains, looking at the type of saddle on its back. **"Return it this instant!"**

" **But I've taught him some new tricks, Mr. Lord Cao Cao!"** he whines.

"… **Tricks?"** Cao Cao responds, raising an eyebrow.

" **Yep! Here, I'll show you!"** he says excitedly, turning toward the elephant. **"Roll over!"**

The elephant immediately flips on its back and began rolling side to side.

" **Now sit!"** Xu Zhu commands.

The elephant then got up and sat upright. Cao Cao had a 'What the hell?' expression on his face.

Then, a voice came from the opposite direction. Two people were running up to Cao Cao and Xu Zhu, looking a bit miffed.

It was Meng Huo and Zhu Rong.

" **What the hell are you doing with my elephant?"** Meng Huo bellows, stomping towards them.

" **Duh, I'm teaching MY new elephant friend some tricks!"** Xu Zhu replies, crossing his arms.

" **What?!"** both Nanman warriors says in unison, turning to Cao Cao, **"Is this your idea?"**

" **No, its not!"** Cao Cao protests.

" **Then you better tell your officer to apologize for stealing my husbands elephant!"** Zhu Rong demands.

Cao Cao turned to Xu Zhu. **"Apologize right now!"** he demands.

" **Aw, I'm sorry for taking your elephant,"** Xu Zhu says.

" **Not good enough!"** Meng Huo says. **"Elephant, DANCE!"**

The elephant sat up and then took a few steps backwards, then leaps several feet into the air and lands on top of Xu Zhu, the elephant standing upright. It then proceeded to perform the River Dance on him, grinding the officer into the ground.

" **That'll learn ya!"** Zhu Rong comments with a grin.

Cao Cao turns and began to run the hell out of there, but the elephant rushes forth and blocks his path.

" **It's your turn now,"** Meng Huo says, putting his gauntlets on as he advances toward Cao Cao.

" **Um…uh…look over there! It's a false evangelical asshole!"** Cao Cao says, pointing at something behind Meng Huo and Zhu Rong.

" **What?! Is that Zhang Jiao back again?"** Meng Huo says, as they both look over their shoulders. Cao Cao uses this opportunity to slip past them and escape via his horse.

"This is insane! Why are my officers doing this?" he says to himself, as he left to see what other wacky antics his other officers were up to.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	4. Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Part 2

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Battlefield Folly: Part 2**

Cao continues on his rounds of inspecting his officer's activities. Next was Zhang He, who was supposed to be leading a raid against an enemy troop with Zhen Ji. When he arrives near a rock by a large river, he sees his officers mingling with other enemy officers. He dismounts and approaches them.

" **Zhang He! Zhen Ji! Explain yourself!"** Cao Cao says to his two officers.

" **Why hello, Lord Cao Cao, beautiful day, isn't it?"** Zhang He says in his usual feministic tone. **"Care to join us for a little dance?"** he offers as he stroked his long hair.

" **Dance?! No! Your orders were to raid an enemy troop!"** Cao Cao says in a huff.

" **Raiding is so not our style,"** Zhen Ji replies, while cleaning her flute. **"So instead, we invited the Qiao sisters, Diao Chan, and Dian Wei for some relaxing recreation."**

The Qiao sisters, who were leaning against the wall chatting with Diao Chan, wave at Cao Cao. Dian Wei was next to Zhang He, cleaning off his battle-axe.

" **Dian Wei too…?"** says a dumbfounded Cao Cao, trailing off.

" **I love a good interpretive dance session after a good battle,"** Dian Wei says.

" **What is this world coming too…?"** Cao Cao says, shaking his head in frustration.

" **Okay ladies, and gentlemen, let us begin our beautiful dance,"** Zhang He says, lining up everyone in a single file line next to each other. Zhen Ji and Dian Wei were on the ends, while the Qiao sisters stood in the middle. **"And go!"** Zhang He instructs, while Dian Chan played her stringed instrument.

Everyone including Zhang He began doing interpretive dance. **"You're a majestic bird!"** Zhang He says, as the rest slowly moved their arms in a flapping motion. **"Now you're a beautiful butterfly!"**

The sight of Dian Wei jumping around impersonating a butterfly disturbed Cao Cao greatly.

" **Stop this! Stop this mindless fodder of an act right now!"** Cao Cao demands, but his voice was drowned out by Diao Chan's music.

" **Now spin like beautiful fancy free!"** Zhang He says, as he instructed everyone to spin in circles.

" **NOW!"** both Qiao sisters exclaim, as the used this opportunity to whip out their giant fans and start slicing up Dian Wei and Zhen Ji as they spun, leaving a bloody mess around them. Zhang He stops dead in his tracks.

" **Oh my…what a beautiful mess this has beco—"** Zhang He starts to say, but was bludgeoned on the back of the head by Diao Chan's maces.

" **Wanna join us for a little 'Dance Of De-'"** Diao Chan says seductively to Cao Cao as she turns around to him, only to notice that had disappeared. **"Huh? Where did he go?"** she questions, looking around for any signs of his whereabouts.

Cao Cao was already a mile away from the area, running. He didn't even take the time to mount on his horse.

" **What…is to…become of...my Kingdom…!"** Cao Cao says, huffing and puffing from fleeing the scene as fast as he could. In the distance, he could see the ocean shores.

* * *

 **Xiahou Dun's Battleship**

Cao Cao continues scrambling toward the shores of the battlefield to get away from the horrors he saw of Zhang He and his other officers.

" **This is a complete mess! My other remaining officers better do something to turn the tides of this war,"** he says, stopping to take a breath. He looks across the ocean and sees two boats spread apart from each other, about to engage each other in some type of sea-battle. He recognizes one of his ships as his own, and the other he had no clue who it belonged to.

" **I'm going to check in on them just in case, even though it didn't say so in that confounded report"** he says, grabbing a nearby row-boat and taking it out to his war-ship.

 **Minutes Later...**

Cao Cao arrives by the side of the ship and climbs up on board. On the deck, he finds Xiahou Dun, his son Cao Pi, Xu Haung, Cao Ren, and Pang De.

" **Gentlemen, give me a status report on this naval battle,"** Cao Cao demands as he approaches his officers.

" **Lord Cao Cao, we are ready to engage the enemy using our new secret weapon,"** Xiahou Dun states.

" **Secret Weapon? Why wasn't I informed of this?"** Cao Cao asks.

" **Because I bought it at the last minute,"** Cao Pi responds.

" **Bought? So, what is this secret weapon you have exactly?"** Cao Cao asks.

Cao Pi turns around and picks up a box and shows it to his father.

" **It's a board game called 'Battleship'. You call out a set of coordinates, and if you guess correct, you might just hit your enemies ship!"** Pang De explains from behind.

" **Our enemies have one too, to make things more interesting,"** Cao Ren adds.

" **A board game?! This is no time to be fooling around!"** Cao Cao protests.

Xu Haung laughs. **"What until you see it in action."**

Cao Pi takes out the game and sets it on the table. He places a little model of their own ship on the board. **"Okay, call out the first attack, Xiahou Dun,"** Cao Pi instructs.

Xiahou Dun walks up toward the front of the ship and yells out in a big voice: **"D-7"**

At that moment, a huge splash appeared a few meters from the enemy's ship.

" **Incredible..."** Cao Cao says with awe.

It was the enemy's turn.

" **B-2!"** yells out Lu Xun from the opposing ship.

A huge splash landed just a few feet from Xiahou Dun's ship. This made Cao Cao jump back.

" **G-9"** yells Xiahou Dun.

This attack made a direct hit with the enemy ship.

" **Yes! We're winning!"** Cao Cao cheeres.

" **F-2"** yells out Gan Ning of the enemy ship.

That attack hit the back part of Xiahou Dun's ship. Again, Cao Cao jumps from surprise from the sudden attack.

 **An Hour Later...**

Both ships where pretty banged up. Each ship couldn't take any more hits at this point. The board on Cao Pi's game was nearly full of red markers.

" **Just one more hit on their vessel and we win!"** Cao Cao states in excitement. **"Maybe things are changing for the better!"**

Just then, Lu Meng from the enemy ship shouts a message to them.

" **Whatever you do, don't call out A-1 or we'll be sunk for sure!"**

" **Hahaha! Don't call out 'A-1' my butt! That's just what we'll do then!"** Cao Cao boasts. **"Xiahou Dun, call out 'A-1' for the final attack!"**

" **But sir! A-1 is-"** Cao Pi began to say.

" **Just do it so we'll win!"** Cao Cao spat back.

" **Oh god…"** Cao Pi says, rolling his eyes. **"Call it out,"** he says un-enthusiastically to Xiahou Dun.

Xiahou Dun gulps **. "A-1…"** he shouts hesitantly.

 **KABLAM!**

The final blast did not hit the enemy's ship, but Xiahou Dun's vessel instead.

" **Oh crap,"** Cao Cao says, as the entire ship began capsizing quickly.

 **SPLASH!**

All of his officers were tossed in the waters, where sharks ate them all in an instant. Cao Cao was thrown in the waters too, but the sharks didn't attack him for some reason.

" **I hate my life…"** Cao Cao says solemnly, arms crossed, gurgling underwater.

* * *

 **Mr. Cool Zhang Liao**

Cao Cao sluggishly makes his way across a safe area of the battlefield. After he squeezes the excess water out of his pants, he spots a large wooden fort built between two hills.

" **That's our defense base. Time to see if it's still in our possession,"** Cao Cao says as he continues on his way.

When he reached the fort's entrance, he noticed Zhang Liao casually leaning up against the gate, arms crossed and his hat tipped over his face. Cao Cao walks up to him and examines him before speaking.

" **Zhang Liao! Why are you slacking off? You're supposed to be patrolling the base!"** Cao Cao says angrily.

Zhang Liao tips his hat up and looks at Cao Cao.

" **Don't break a blood vessel, Lord Cao Cao. Everything is fine here,"** he responds coolly.

Cao Cao couldn't believe what he was hearing.

" **So…nothing has gone wrong on since the start of the battle?"** Cao Cao inquires.

" **Nope,"** Zhang Liao responds.

" **No sneaky surprise attacks from the opposing kingdoms?"**

" **Nope."**

" **No suspicious looking soldiers who snuck into our ranks?"**

" **Nope."**

" **No oncoming weapons of mass destruction?"**

" **Nope."**

"… **Okay then…I'll be on my way then…"**

Cao Cao slowly turns around and walks away from Zhang Liao.

" **This is all too eerie…."** Cao Cao thought.

" **Hey, one more thing I want to ask…"** Cao Cao says, turning around, only to see Zhang Liao's body impaled in a large upright spear.

" **I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!"** Cao Cao yells as he dove into the nearest pile of shrubs to hide.

" **Hey, get out of there!"** yells a man really close to him.

Cao Cao stuck his head out, and looked up, realizing that he was inside Guan Yu's large and long beard. He shot out like a bullet and scampers off, with Guan Yu in close pursuit.

* * *

 **Cao Cao Against Everyone**

Cao Cao had managed to lose Guan Yu minutes after the pursuit. He then sinks down by a nearby hill and lays on the ground, exhausted.

" _ **This is a nightmare! A horrible, horrible nightmare! Yes, that's it! I'll just pinch myself and I'll be awake and back in my lavish master bedroom at my castle,"**_ he says to himself, a bit distressed. He pinched himself and waited for something to happen.

Nothing.

He pinched himself again, only to suddenly feel a cold blade slowly rubbing across his neck. He spun around to see that Guan Yu had caught up with him.

" **Tag, you're it,"** Guan Yu bellows as he swung his halberd at Cao Cao.

Cao Cao dodges the attack and began running again. Scrambling up a large hill to the north, he stops at its peak and gazes at what was on the other side of it. His eyes flew wide open as he witnesses thousands upon thousands of heavily armed soldiers charging straight toward him.

" **Nooooooooo!"** yells Cao Cao, as he turns to the side and ran away from horde of soldiers and Guan Yu, who was now accompanied by Liu Bei and Zhang Fei.

As he continues to run a away from his pursuers, he was suddenly met by a landslide of over-sized boulders rolling toward him. He managed to duck off to the side, where he was then almost run over by Lu Bu and his horse, The Red Hare.

Cao Cao then hears lighting crackling across the sky. He looks up and witnesses Zhang Jiao floating above him, using his wrath of heaven powers to hurl lighting bolts at him. Cao Cao turns around to the only remaining direction he could run, and trips, falling to the ground. He sits up and screams as several hundred pirates led by Gang Ning were closing in on him, all riding Nanman elephants. Ling Tong was with them, pulling off kung-fu moves with his nun-chucks.

Cao Cao had nowhere left to run.

" **Waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"** he cries out, before all of the forces from every side collided with him.

* * *

 **Later That Night...**

Liu Bei, Lu Bu, Dong Zhuo, Meng Huo, Yuan Shao, and Zhang Jiao were all around a campfire eating dinner. Diao Chan played music while all the women danced. Every other officer was either having a drink, of chatting with members from the other kingdoms. Cao Cao was off to the side, tied up to a stake, looking pretty banged up and dazed. All of the remaining soldiers form the Wei forces were all locked up in a giant cage guarded by Meng Huo's elephants.

" **Now that we have destroyed the Wei Kingdom, what do you want to do now?"** Lu Bu asks, taking a bite of his meat kabob.

Liu Bei shrugs.

" **Well, 'You Know Who' should be here any moment to tell us what's next on the agenda,"** Liu Bei comments.

As if on que, a familiar young man approached the campfire.

It was Cao Cao's scout, the one that gave Cao Cao that battle report earlier that day.

" **Once again your plan worked out great! You sure showed Cao Cao whose boss!"** Dong Zhuo comments, sipping his wine.

" **Very much so. I couldn't have done it all without the help of my good friend Zhuge Liang. Tomorrow we take over Japan!"** the scout says, before removing his mask.

It was Sun Jian.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	5. Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Part 1

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Total Chaos: Part 1**

 **"Crap crap CRAP!"**

Cao Cao was frantically running down the hallways of his castle, trying to escape the gargantuan mob of generals, officers, and soldiers from the opposing kingdoms that were after him.

 _"Why does this keep happening to me?! How did I ever get into this mess anyways?"_ he says to himself, darting around a corner while stumbling down a flight of stairs. He fell flat on his face and looks up when he heard the mob drawing near.

 **"Where did that little so-in-so go?"** says Lu Bu's voice from behind.

Cao Cao gets up and continues toward his bedroom. Once inside, he frantically looks for a place to hide.

" **Psst, hey! Over here!"** says a voice from beside him.

Cao Cao stops and turns to too see a familiar face peering out from a closet.

" **My trustworthy war-scout has found a hiding place for me. Excellent!"** Cao Cao says with much relief, diving into the closet, and hastily shutting the door.

The inside of the closet was dark; the only light that showed was from the foot of the door.

" **Are you okay Lord Cao Cao?"** the scout asks.

" **Does it look like I'm okay? I have half of China after me!"** Cao Cao says to him sternly. **"After the disaster of a battle that happened recently, they now have a bounty on my head! Now they've infiltrated my castle and are ready to punish me as soon as they find me!"**

" **I'm sorry to hear that sir. Well, while we're here, want to tell me how this all came to be?"** the scout asks curiously.

" **No…not really…but I've got nothing better to do right now, so I'll tell you anyway,"** Cao Cao says, sitting down on the floor and taking a deep breath. **"It all started this morning…"**

* * *

 **Pathetic Preemptive Planning**

It was a sunny spring morning.

Cao Cao was walking through his castle, ready to attend a meeting with his son Cao Pi and his strategist Sima Yi.

" **Victory will be mine when I win this upcoming war. No one will impede my path to dominate all of China!"** Cao Cao boasts to himself. Suddenly out of nowhere, Xu Zhu came running out of nowhere, crashing down the hall, and accidentally running into Cao Cao. The impact was enough to crush the Wei overlord into a nearby wall.

After Cao Cao pries himself out of the stone wall, he wobbles up toward Xu Zhu from behind and taps him on the shoulder. Xu Zhu turned around and looked at Cao Cao with his usual goofy look.

" **Duh, hi Mr. Lord Cao Cao! My, you don't look so good. What happened?"** the roly-poly officer asks.

" **What do you mean 'what happened'? You shoved me into the wall just a moment ago, you blundering fool!"** Cao Cao says angrily.

Xu Zhu scratches his head.

" **Uh, sorry Mr. Lord Cao Cao. I guess I was too busy searching for Sima Yi."**

Cao Cao raises his eyebrow.

" **Isn't Sima Yi supposed to be in the War Room right now?"** Cao Cao questions.

" **Duh…I don't know. Rumor has it he responded to a taunt from Zhuge Liang and had left the castle to personally slap the mess out of him,"** Xu Zhu explains. **"But I don't buy it one bit, no sir!"**

" **That fool! Now who's going to run the strategy meeting?"** Cao Cao says with frustration.

" **Duh…I know! Why don't you lead the meeting!"** Xu Zhu suggests.

" **What?! No! I don't know how to plan out a battle of this size! We're going up against the other Kingdoms for heavens-sake!"** Cao Cao shoots back.

" **Aw, you can do it, Mr. Lord Cao Cao!"** Xu Zhu says. **"C'mon! Off we go!"**

Xu Zhu grabs Cao Cao and hoists him over his shoulders, carrying him down the hallway to the War Room.

" **H-hey! Put me down at once you fat jerk! How dare you disobey my direct orders and do what you so ple-"**

 **CLONG!**

Cao Cao's whining was cut short as Xu Zhu turns a corner, causing him to swing Cao Cao right into a ceramic vase as he continues down the hall.

The door slams open as Xu Zhu walks in and sets Cao Cao down in front of the podium. His son Cao Pi, and other war lieutenants and taskmasters who were waiting for the meeting to start occupied the room. Xu Zhu takes a seat in the front row, since he had nothing better to do at the moment.

Cao Cao warily looks about the room, adjusting his collar, and clearing his throat. Apparently he didn't know how the hell to begin this meeting.

" **Um…ahem…hello everyone. Let's uh…get this battle strategy meeting started,"** Cao Cao began, shuffling through some papers laid out in front of him. **"Let's start out with our inventory. What is our current budget on producing the needed equipment to wage this war?"**

" **Sir! Our current budget is at 14 Gold pieces,"** one of his lieutenants stands and states.

Cao Cao glares at everyone with a 'The hell?!' look on his face. **"Well what exactly happened to our budget?!"** he demands.

 **CHOMP! MUNCH! SMACK!**

Cao Cao slowly lowers his eyes at Xu Zhu, who was eating a tray of steamed meat-buns. Xu Zhu looks up and smiles.

" **Want one?"** he offers.

Knowing it was Xu Zhu who dried up their war budget on food, Cao Cao, without hesitation; proceeds to kick the fat officer out of the strategy room. Afterwards, he returns to continue with the meeting.

" **Now that our war budget is shot, what do we have in our reserves?"** Cao Cao asks next.

" **Sir! We have a giant rock, sir!"** another lieutenant stands and states.

" **We have…what now?"** Cao Cao slowly re-inquires.

" **Sir! A giant rock, sir!"** the lieutenant repeats.

Cao Cao looks off to the side for a moment, wondering how to respond to that statement without blowing his stack.

" **Okay…a rock…well then…Cao Pi?"** Cao Cao says, now looking at his son.

" **Yes, father?"** Cao Pi responds.

" **Tale over this meting for me and start mobilizing our troops. I'm going to get some gin and some aspirin,"** Cao Cao grumbles as he leaves the podium and went out the door, only to trip and fall over Xu Zhu, who was still lying on the floor eating his meat-buns after Cao Cao had kicked him out.

* * *

 **Bumbling Battle Beginnings**

An hour later, Cao Cao lead his army outside his castle and into the area where the war would take place. Saddled comfortably on his horse, Cao Cao assesses the situation.

" **The Wu, Nanman, and Shu kingdoms are slowly beginning to mobilize onto the battlefield. We will attack them with our sneaky surprise tactic,"** Cao Cao says to his lieutenants and officers.

" **What do you have in mind?"** his son Cao Pi asks.

" **We will use that giant rock we have in our reserves, attach it to a giant slingshot, and hurl it right at them, crushing the majority of their forces and giving us the advantage,"** Cao Cao explains.

" **Such a simplistic strategy…but I guess it could work,"** Cao Pi says, rolling his eyes.

" **Now, tell Cao Ren to get that weapon of ours ready and in position,"** Cao Cao orders his son.

Cao Pi leaves his fathers side and went up to a nearby hill where Cao Ren waits to carry out the plot.

" **The jackass wants you to ready the slingshot,"** Cao Pi says to Cao Ren, rolling his eyes.

" **Um, gotcha,"** Cao Ren says, rolling the giant mobile device to the edge of the cliff.

As Cao Ren wound the lever that pulled the sling back to be released, Xu Zhu walks into the area, eating a cream-filled bun.

" **Hiya Mr. Cao Ren! Whatcha doing?"** the obese officer asks as he stops and leans against the mobile slingshot.

" **I am preparing to launch a giant rock upon our enemy forces,"** Cao Ren explains as he finishes winding up the sling. He wipes his brow and turns the other way for the moment, not realizing that Xu Zhu's weight from leaning against the device was making it move closer and closer off the edge of the cliff. Cao Ren looks down at Cao Cao and gave him a thumbs-up.

" **Excellent,"** Cao Cao says as he surveys the battlefield once more. **"The enemy is in perfect position to be squished by our giant rock. Cao Pi, tell Cao Ren to go ahead and launch the—"**

 **CRUNCH! BAM! THUMP! WHAM! CRASH! CLUNK!**

Cao Cao and his entire force turns and watches as the mobile slingshot weapon rolls off the edge of the cliff and crashes onto the battlefield below in a heaping mess, missing their target by a long shot.

Cao Cao looks up at where Cao Ren was, and notices Xu Zhu standing next to him, looking down at the mess he just made.

" **Oops! Sorry about that!"** Zhu Xu yells back at Cao Cao, waving at him as he did so.

" **Remind me to kill him after this battle,"** Cao Cao whispers shadily to his son.

" **Do not worry, Lord Cao Cao! I have ordered a backup slingshot weapon to be made just in case something like this would happen!"** Cao Red yells out to Cao Cao from atop of the cliff.

" **Well that's promising…"** Cao Cao mumbles to himself.

" **So what do we do now, dad,"** Cao Pi asks his father, unimpressed on how the pre-battle tactics aren't working so well.

" **Argh, I just wish we had our strategist here with us! He'd know what to do,"** Cao Cao comments, trying to think of what to do next.

As if on cue, Sima Yi enters the scene, and walks up beside Cao Cao, looking pretty disheveled, and had what appears to be a bunch of black feathers jammed into his mouth.

" **Sima Yi! Where the hell have you been?"** Cao Cao angrily asks his strategist.

Sima Yi spat out the clump of feathers from in his mouth and clears his throat.

" **I apologize for leaving on such short notice, but I was insulted by my rival Zhuge Liang and I had to meet him and teach him a lesson,"** Sima Yi explains.

" **And you fell for his plot…"** Cao Cao asks him, glaring at him disappointingly. He looked down at Sima Yi's favorite war-fan he always carried, and noticed it picked clean from it, which could explain that Zhuge Liang shoved the feathers into Sima Yi's big mouth. But something was bugging him…

" **Sima Yi, may I ask, if you will, it only seemed that half of the feathers from your fan were in your mouth. What about the rest…?"** Cao Cao questions.

" **I'm not inclined to tell you where else that jerk shoved those feathers up in me,"** Sima Yi responds, as he turned and left the area, waddling like a duck as if something was up his ass.

" **Well, just hurry up and prepare a strategy before this battle starts!"** Cao Cao yells to his strategist. **"And the rest of you, get into positions and await further orders! We will win this war at all costs!"**

* * *

 **Furthered Folly**

The battle for all of China had finally begun.

Cao Cao's military was in the middle of the battlefield, fighting it out against the other kingdoms, when his son Cao Pi rides up next to him with a message.

" **Father, I received word of some tomfoolery among Zhang He and Zhen Ji's units,"** Cao Pi states, holding up a sheet of paper to his father.

" **What? Let me see that!"** Cao Cao says, snatching the paper from his son. It was the first report of the battle. It read as follows:

* * *

 _Report #1_

 _Lord Cao Cao, I must report to you of some surprising activity involving some of your generals, namely Zhang He and Zhen Ji. It seems they are trying to ease the tensions of the opposing kingdoms by method of dance and song._

 _Signed, Unknown_

* * *

" **I don't believe this! Just what in heavens name do they hope to accomplish with dancing and such nonsense? I'm going down there to check it out. Cao Pi, you look after things here,"** Cao Cao orders, rearing his horse and heading off to the says officers.

" **Whatever,"** Cao Pi mutters, taking a sip of some of his father's wine.

Some time later, Cao Cao arrives at a neutral base near Wu's territory. He gets off of his horse and heads inside. When he arrives, he stops dead in his tracks and stares in complete shock at the scene that was before him.

Zhang He was leading several Wu generals and lieutenants in a River Dance routine. Sun Ce, Zhou Tai, Taishi Ci, and Sun Shang Xiang were all lined up behind him as they danced away to Zhen Ji's tune from her flute.

Cao Cao stomps toward Zhen Ji and snatches her flute, breaks it half, and gives it back to her.

" **H-hey! What did you do that for?!"** Zhen Ji demands.

" **What do you think? Just what in the world is this? Explain yourself!"** Cao Cao responds.

Zhang He stopped the dance routine and turned to Cao Cao.

" **Ah yes, Lord Cao Cao. The beautiful Zhen Ji and I both agreed that music and interpretive dance would be a less bloodier alternative to this senseless fighting. Say, would you like to join our beautiful dance session?"** Zhang He offers.

" **No I don't want to join your beautiful dance session,"** Cao Cao shoots back in a mocking tone. **"Besides, didn't you guys try to do something like this in the past?! You both have some key Wu officers in your reach, so turn around, make them submit to your grand skills, and bring them to my camp!"**

" **You heard the man's request. Let my grand and beautiful dance skills be your guide in the submission of all things beautiful,"** Zhang He announces to the Wu officers and lieutenants, then returning to their dance routine. Zhen Ji pulls out a backup flute and resumes playing.

" **You fruity bastard…I'll have you both punished for such foolishness!"** Cao Cao shouts at them. **"Time to take things into my own hands."**

Cao Cao pulls out his sword and began to advance upon the enemy. However, before he could get close enough to them, he was knocked between the legs by a random officer from a sudden high kick during the dance routine. He doubles over; fell sideways, and cringes as he was easily taken down by a European jig.

 _"Dammit! Now what do I do…"_ Cao Cao says to himself, looking up at his officers, who didn't seem to pay him no mind.

Several minutes later, Cao Cao returns to his main base at the top of the cliff after having to endure being on his horse, in saddle-position, with…shattered nuts.

" **Cao Pi, I return from investigating the incident at that neutral base,"** Cao Cao grumbles, sliding off oh his horse in a stiff position.

" **Let me guess…Zhen Ji and Zhang He are dancing again…"** Cao Pi says with little concern.

" **Yes…dancing…let's just hope my other officers aren't doing something as stupid…"** Cao Cao says, heading into his ration box for an ice pack.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	6. Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Part 2

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 3: Total Chaos: Part 2**

 **Second Report: Capture Caper**

Back at the main base, Cao Pi approaches Cao Cao with some new details regarding their slingshot weapon.

" **Father, Cao Ren reports that a replacement slingshot weapon is in place,"** Cao Pi reports.

" **Good. We will try this again. And to make sure that Xu Zhu doesn't mess up anything else, I had him locked up in a special barred wagon at the back of the camp,"** Cao Cao explained.

" **You called Mr. Lord Cao Cao?"** says an all too familiar voice from behind him.

It was Xu Zhu.

" **What the?! How the hell did you get out of my custom made prison cell?"** Cao Cao says, almost jumping from his sudden appearance.

" **Duh, I just heard you call my name, so I just forced the bars open from within that small cage, and here I am!"** Xu Zhu says merrily.

" **No dammit! I don't want you around! You'll just screw things up again!"** Cao Cao protests in frustration.

" **Aw c'mon Mr. Lord Cao Cao, I don't mess up all the time!"** Xu Zhu reassures him.

" **Maybe you can have him tell Cao Ren where to aim the giant rock slingshot,"** Cao Pi suggests.

Cao Cao sighes heavily and turnes to the overweight officer.

" **Fine, tell Cao Ren to get that weapon of ours ready and in position, and have him aim it 45 degrees North,"** Cao Cao orders Xu Zhu.

Xu Zhu salutes Cao Cao in a goofy way, and went up to the same nearby hill where Cao Ren waits to carry out the plot, again. Once Xu Zhu arrives, he stands next to Cao Ren and recites the report to the best of his memory.

" **Uh…Mr. Lord Cao Cao wants you to position the slingshot at…uh...14…uh...5…degrees…North!"** Zhu Xu recites.

" **14.5 degrees North? Got it,"** Cao Ren says, turning the mobile weapon toward that angle. Cao Ren wound up the sling, and wiped his brow. He then looks down at Cao Cao and gives him a thumbs-up to try and re-launch it again.

" **Excellent,"** Cao Cao says as he again surveys the battlefield. **"This time the enemy army will be crushed by my almighty weapon. Cao Pi, tell Cao Ren to go ahead and launch the weapon."**

" **If you say so…"** Cao Pi says, heading up to Cao Ren's side. He arrives there in no time flat.

" **Ready?"** Cao Ren asks.

" **Yes. The moron wants you to launch the weapon now,"** Cao Pi says.

Cao Ren nods and went to the weapons' lever, and pulls it.

 **SHHHHHOOOOOOOMP!**

The giant rock was finally slung out of the giant man-made device. It flew high into the sky, and then descends onto the battlefield. However, the incorrect coordinates that Xu Zhu gave him resulted in the rock in not hitting the enemy army, but…

 **CRAAAAASH!**

…crash upon half of Cao Cao's reserve forces instead.

" **Noooo, my reserve units! What the devil went wrong with my careful planning?!"** Cao Cao whines.

" **Two words: Xu Zhu,"** Cao Pi responds, walking up to his father's side after the errand.

" **That does it! Keep him near the catapult. I'll be using him in place of the rock for the next launch, which will go as planned I will promise you!"** Cao Cao ordered his son.

The battle continues with the Wei forces starting to lose its edge due to the flawed attack that destroyed Cao Cao's reserves military. Then, Dian Wei approaches him with a letter.

" **Ah, Dian Wei, my trusted bodyguard, what news do you have for me?"** Cao Cao asks.

" **My Lord, I have a message for you from one of our spies,"** Dian Wei says, handing Cao Cao the letter.

It read as follows:

* * *

 _Report #2_

 _Lord Cao Cao, I must report that Zhao Yun has been spotted in the general vicinity. I suggest sending some of your best officers to apprehend him. It would be most beneficial if we had him in our grasp._

 _Signed, Unknown_

* * *

" **Zhao Yun? We must get him immediately!"** Cao Cao says to him. **"Dian Wei, go gather some of the other officers, we are going to capture Zhao Yun right now!"**

" **Yes sir,"** Dian Wei says, running off to gather a few more helping hands.

Several minutes later, Cao Cao, Dian Wei, Xu Huang, and Xiahou Dun were walking along a beach area near a lake where Zhao Yun was says to be near. Within seconds, they saw Zhao Yun in the distance.

" **There he is! Grab him!"** Cao Cao demands, as he and the other officers began to commence the capture.

Zhao Yun turns around and sees the Wei officers charging toward him.

" **Whoops, busted,"** Zhao Yun says. He turns and runs toward a cliff outcropping, in which he disappears around shortly after.

" **He went around that cliff! Don't let him get away!"** Cao Cao rallies his men as they approach the said place.

All of the men then suddenly stop when they hear a faint sound of a stamped of enemy officer from around that cliff. It gradually grew louder, and within seconds, Gan Ning and hundreds of his pirates appear, ready to run down Cao Cao and his men.

" **It's a trap! Runaway!"** Cao Cao says as he hastily turns around and shoots out of the area as fast as he could. Unfortunately, the rest of his main officers were overcome by Gan Ning's troops.

" **Dammit! I lost my men to a stupid ploy from our enemies! I'll get you yet, Zhao Yun, you just wait!"** Cao Cao swears as he continues his way back to his camp, escaping the impeding onslaught unharmed.

* * *

 **Third Report: Pang De's Problem**

Cao Cao was at his base drawing up plans on how to effectively capture Zhao Yun, his new target he wished to seize. Before he could think of a decent strategy, his son Cao Pi enters the tent with more news.

" **Father, I have another report to present to you,"** Cao Pi says, handing Cao Cao another letter.

" **What now?"** Cao Cao grumbles as he takes the letter and read it.

* * *

 _Report #3_

 _Lord Cao Cao, I must report that Pang De…well…um…it would be best if you'd come and check this out yourself._

 _Signed, Unknown_

* * *

" **Argh! What could it be now?"** Cao Cao says in frustration, storming out the tent and heading toward a nearby allied base to see what Pang De wanted.

Cao Coa arrives at one of his bases on horseback, and sees Pang De eagerly waiting for his arrival. Pang De runs up toward his Commander with an exasperated look on his face.

" **Well, what's the situation?"** Cao Cao asks Pang De as he got off his horse.

" **Well, Lord Cao Cao…you see…I need your help…"** Pang De says.

" **To do what?"** Cao Cao questions.

" **To...uh…help me get out of my armor…"**

"… **What do you mean 'help you get out of your armor'?"** Cao Cao says, raising an eyebrow.

" **You see…Lord Cao Cao…I…uh…have to go to the bathroom…and I…cannot seem to…get my armor off…"** Pang De says, a bit embarrassed.

Cao Cao stares at him blankly, on the verge of having a meltdown at what he was hearing.

" **So let me get this straight…you call me out here, in the middle of my planning session, just so you can use the damn bathroom?!"** Cao Cao says angrily.

" **Well, if you were in your planning session, you didn't have to come immediately, though I'm thankful that you did because I've been holding it for quite some time…"** Pang De began to say.

" **Shut-up!"** Cao Cao shoots back at him. **"Get over here an let's get your damn armor off of you so I can get back to work,"** Cao Cao grumbles, dragging Pang De behind a large bush out of view.

As soon as the two began the process of removing Pang De's heavy armor, Xu Zhu and a group of grunts wandered near the area, when they stop and listen to Cao Cao and Pang De's conversation behind the bushes.

 **Cao Cao** : Okay, let's get this over with.

 **Pang-De** : First undo the compartment around my waist.

 **Cao Cao** : I see something sticking out…its' so big!

 **Pange De** : Grab it and pull it hard to get it to work.

 **Cao Cao** : Ugh...its stuck! It won't fit in there!

 **Pang De** : See why I have so much trouble? It must be jammed somewhere, and I don't like the way I'm feeling right now.

 **Cao Cao** : Let's try something else…turn around and let me get a better look at you.

 **Pang De** : H-hey! Don't touch that!

 **Cao Cao** : What? I'm just trying to get this to open up more!

 **Pang De** : Hey, I don't swing that way…man this is tough.

 **Cao Cao** : How did you get into this thing on the first place?

 **Pang De** : Beat me…

 **Cao Cao** : Damn, now my hands are wet with sweat.

 **Pang De** : Use your mouth then.

 **Cao Cao** : Damn this black leather strap…its in my way! Just one…more…push…

 **Pang De** : Ah yes! That feels much better!

 **Cao Cao** : Okay, our job is done. I'm going back to the base.

Cao Cao and Pang De come out of the bushes, where they are face to face with Xu Zhu and the soldiers, who all had a 'WTF' look on their faces.

" **What are you guys looking at?"** Cao Cao says to them with a glare.

" **Gee Mr. Lord Cao Cao, I didn't know you like other men…"** Xu Zhu says, a wide grin spreading across his face.

Cao Cao and Pang De look at each other before quickly turning back to the fat officer.

" **What you heard just now…it's not what you think!"** Cao Cao protests.

" **Time to spread some rumors!"** the soldiers sang in unison as they went of tell everyone what they heard.

Cao Cao's eyes twitched at the thought of his reputation doing down the toilet. He groans and quietly left the area, heading back to his base without saying a word.

* * *

 **Fourth Report: Sima's Stupid Scheme**

Cao Cao continues to oversee the conflict between the three kingdoms. Sadly, his forces were starting to lose to the opposing forces. Cao Cao turns to his son Cao Pi, who had another letter in his hand.

" **Don't tell me that's another report…"** Cao Cao says, sighing.

" **Unfortunately, yes. Let me read it to you,"** Cao Pi says, opening the letter.

* * *

 _Report #4_

 _Lord Cao Cao, just a warning that your strategist is up to something stupid._

 _Signed, Unknown_

* * *

" **What kind of report is that?"** Cao Cao says.

" **Beats me,"** Cao Pi responds, tearing up the letter.

" **No matter. In the meantime, we must use our slingshot weapon ASAP! This would turn the tides of this battle in a blink of the eye!"** Cao Cao says to him. **"Go tell Cao Ren to hurry it up!"**

Just then, Sima Yi came up to Cao Cao.

" **Not this time!"** Sima Yi says to Cao Cao.

" **What's your problem, Sima Yi? You think you can do something better with our weapon?"** Cao Cao questions.

" **Hahaha! Of course! Your insignificant intellect can't even begin to comprehend what plans I have in store for that faulty weapon of ours,"** Sima Yi says with a grin.

" **Well then, Mr. Sima Smartass, let's see you do some damage with that so-called faulty weapon!"** Cao Cao says, daring Sima Yi to do so.

" **Fine, I will!"** Sima Yi says, heading off to the cliff where Cao Ren and the slingshot weapon was being repaired.

" **Alright, here's the plan…"** Sima Yi began to instruct Cao Ren and some other soldiers.

" **There! Now that looks much better!"** Sima Yi says with much satisfaction.

Sima Yi stands up against the newly modified giant weapon. It still retained some parts of the original design, but it now had the capability to hurl multiple rocks simultaneously.

" **You call this your brilliant plan?"** Cao Cao says, walking up to Sima Yi.

" **Of course. Why hurl a single giant rock at the opposing armies when you can rain down multiple rocks from above? They won't have anywhere to run! I know I know, my genius plans are always incredible, aren't they?"** Sima Yi boasts vainly.

" **The only thing incredible about you is your ego, and not in a good way either,"** Cao Cao says, rolling his eyes. **"Okay, prepare to launch the weapon!"**

Cao Ren nods and once again began turning the crank to wind up the device. Cao Ren wipes his brow and gave Cao Cao and Sima Yi a thumbs-up.

" **Okay, on the count of three, prepare to launch!"** Sima Yi says.

" **One….Two…Three!"**

Cao Ren releases the lever, but the device did not budge.

" **What?! What sort of malfunction is this?"** Sima Yi says, a bit miffed that his weapon wasn't launching as planned. **"Let me take another look at this thing…"**

Sima Yi then climbs onto the weapon to inspect it.

" **Hmm…that's weird, this thing should have launched when Cao Ren released th-"**

 **TWANG!**

" **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"** yells Sima Yi, as the weapon suddenly launches without warning, sending the pile of rock as well as Sima Yi flying across the battlefield.

Cao Cao and Cao Ren witness Sima Yi crash up against Wu's castle, with all of the rocks from behind him smashing into him one by one until there was nothing left but a sizzling black spot on the stone castle.

Cao Cao and Cao Ren just stare in awe at what just happened, not knowing what to say about losing their strategist.

Just then, someone from behind them walks toward Cao Cao, munching on a rice-ball.

" **Wow, now that's embarrassing,"** says the man.

Cao Cao turns around, only to be face-to-face with Zhao Yun.

" **Zhao Yun! You won't get away from me this time!"** Cao Cao says, drawing his sword.

" **Time to go!"** Zhao Yun says, tossing the rice-ball in Cao Cao's face and running.

" **Gah! You won't get away that easily! Someone stop him!"** Cao Cao yells, running after Zhao Yun.

Zhao Yun ran through Cao Cao's camp until he ran into Xu Zhu.

" **Say, dough-boy, I'll give you a rice-ball for your horse,"** Zhao Yun offered Xu Zhu.

" **Uhhh…deal!"** Xu Zhu says, giving up his horse and taking his rice-ball.

As Zhao Yun gets away, again, Cao Cao walks up to Xu Zhu looking pretty pissed of.

" **You…YOU…!"** Cao Cao sputters, as he was ready to smack Xu Zhu into outer space, but stops dead in his tracks.

" **Forget it…I'm going to get me a drink…screw this war…"** Cao Cao says, walking solemnly to his tent.

* * *

 **Fifth Report: Asinine Assault**

Cao Cao was in his tent, drinking a glass of wine, sulking on the fact that his kingdom would be destroyed due to the idiotic actions of his own officers. Shortly after, his son Cao Pi enters the tent with another report in his hand.

" **Father, another report for you,"** Cao Pi says, leaving the letter in front of Cao Cao's face.

" **I don't want to see that blasted report anymore. All it does is just report idiotic situations that someone with common sense can easily overcome. Let's face it, I'm surrounded by a army of morons,"** Cao Cao says drunkenly, taking another swig of his wine.

" **If you insist, but I'll read it to you anyways,"** Cap Pi says, opening the letter. **"Ahem…"**

* * *

 _Report #5_

 _Lord Cao Cao, the leaders from each of the kingdoms have surrendered. You have won the war for domination of China! Please meet at Sun Jian's camp for the signing of the 'We Surrender' treaty._

 _Signed, Unknown_

* * *

Cao Cao slowly looks up at Cao Pi and chuckles.

" **You don't honestly believe I'm going to fall for that lame excuse and fall in their trap, do you?"** Cao Cao says to his son.

Cao Pi raises an eyebrow as if her were saying 'Uh…yeah'.

Cao Cao glares at Cao Pi and takes another drink of his wine.

" **Get out of my sight!"** Cao Cao says to his son, who left shortly after.

" **What a blunder this war has been…what do I do now?"** Cao Cao says to no one in particular.

Suddenly, Xiahou Yuan comes into the tent and approaches Cao Cao.

" **Lord Cao Cao, my men have reports seeing Xu Zhu heading toward Sun Jian's camp,"** Xaihou Yuan says.

" **Let him go. Maybe they'll roast his fat-ass,"** Cao Cao says with a slight grin.

" **But sir, if Xu Zhu goes to the Sun Camp and signs that agreement, then control over China will be in his name!"** Xiahou Yuan pleads.

Cao Cao spat out his drink upon hearing this.

" **I will not let that fat moron take complete control of China…hey, wait a minute! Who told you about this agreement?"** Cao Cao says, before turning to Xiahou Yuan in suspicion.

" **Your son Cai Pi told all of us,"** Xiahou Yuan responds.

Cao Cao growls as he quickly stands up and makes his way out of the tent.

" **Cao Pi, mobilize our remaining forces. We are going to run-down Xu Zhu before he gets a chance to sign that treaty!"** Cao Cao says to his son Cao Pi as he walks by.

An hour later, Cao Cao and his remaining forces were marching toward the Sun Family camp. As they climbed up a long hill, they began to see the encampment nestled on an isolated plateau, with a very wide ravine surrounding it. The only entrance into the encampment was a small rope bridge on the main path. As said in the report, all of the leaders were tied up and lined up in front of Xu Zhu with a large scroll in front of them.

" **Oh no, he's already there,"** Cao Cao says from on top of his horse as he saw Xu Zhu in the camp ready to sign the document. **"Everyone, charge the camp and run-down Xu Zhu!"** Cao Cao commands his army.

" **But father, our soldiers can't possibly charge across that flimsy bridge at the same time,"** hi son Cao Pi says.

" **JUST DO IT! I REFUSE TO BE UNDER THE RULE OF A FAT BASTARD!"** Cao Cao yells to his army. **"NOW CHARGE!"**

Coa Cao's army immediately began charging toward the isolated encampment. It wasn't long before his entire army tried to cross the bridge, which collapse as soon as they got on it. Cao Cao's entire army plummets into the ravine within seconds.

Cao Cao and his son Cao Pi stare at the event in disbelief. Cao Pi turns toward his father.

" **Nice move, dumbass,"** Cao Pi says, rolling his eyes.

Cao Cao then witness Xu Zhu signing the scroll.

" **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"** Cao Cao yells toward the sky.

* * *

 **Cao Cao's Scout** : Interesting story, sir. So the final report was ligitimate and valid after all. But that still doesn't explain why you are back here in your castle being chased by the other kingdoms.

 **Cao Cao** : After Xu Zhu signed that agreement; I went behind their backs and destroyed it. But Xu Zhu found out about it, and got angry, and says I was mean and all, so he commanded the other officers to run me down and administer a public spanking once I'm captured.

Suddenly, the closet doors fly open.

 **Lu Bu** : Aha! Found you!

 **Cao Cao** : Dammit!

Cao Cao slips between Lu Bu's legs and continues running down the hallway, with the other armies still perusing him.

It was mere seconds before he ultimately surrendered.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	7. Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: Part 1

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: End of Honor: Part 1**

It's midnight.

Cao Cao is in a mountainous region with his small band of officers and soldiers. As he scopes out the terrain from on top of his horse, his loyal scout runs to his side with a message.

" **Lord Cao Cao, sir, I have an urgent message to report!"** the scout says, bowing before his leader.

" **Not now, can't you see I'm busy surveying the region?"** Cao Cao says, not looking down at his scout.

" **But sir, its in your best interest to read this urgent report!"** the scout insists.

" **And it's in _your_ best interest to not bother me at the moment!"** Cao Cao says angrily at the scout.

Suddenly out of nowhere, a large wooden spike used for siege weapons flies toward the group, narrowly missing Cao Cao before it hits the ground. The sudden attack frightenes Cao Cao's horse, forcing it to take off running. Cao Cao is thrown off of his horse and is dragged for nearly a half mile before his horse's harness breaks off. Stumbling back toward the scout and his small army, Cao Cao stops and stares at them in discontent, looking pretty beat up and dirty.

" **Okay…read the damn report already,"** he growls.

" **Certainly, sir,"** the scout says, clearing his throat.

* * *

 _Urgent Report!_

 _An enemy attack base is nearby! Be careful not to be hit by their catapult weapons._

 _Signed, Unknown_

* * *

Cao Cao stares at his scout with a look resembling a pissed-off Winston Churchill.

" **WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ABOUT THIS BEFORE?!"** Cao Cao yells to his scout.

" **But sir, I tried to, but…"** the scout tries to explain.

" **Never mind!"** Cao Cao says, sighing as he turns toward his soldiers. **"Men, I want you to stealthily enter that base and overthrow it!"**

" **Sir!"** the soldiers responding in unison while saluting before taking off to get the job done.

Moments later, Cao Cao's horse trots up toward him.

" **Oh, so now you decide to come back, you chicken of a horse!"** Cao Cao says coldly to the horse.

The horse responds by stomping a hoof on Cao Cao's foot, crushing it.

" **WAH! YOU STUPID HORSE!"** Cao Cao yells, kicking his horse on the side, only to be launched into the air when the horse turns around and kicks the Wei commander with its hind legs.

* * *

Some time later, Cao Cao rides up toward the base, which was pitch dark with no lit torches around.

" **Hmm…what's going on here, it's too quiet,"** Cao Cao says as he gets off his horse and hops toward the base's gate on one foot.

As he gets closer to the base, he begins to hear music from inside of the building.

 **"Are my soldier's celebrating the takeover of this base, or is something else afoot?"** he says out loud.

Deciding to investigate immediately, Cao Cao draws his sword and knocks on the base's giant wooden doors.

No answer.

Cao Cao knocks on the giant wooden doors once again, a litter harder this time.

Still no response.

Cao Cao now bangs on the door with all of his might, hoping for an answer.

No sooner then he realizes it, the giant doors swing open, knocking Cao Cao off to the side, out of view from the entrance.

" **Who was that?"** says one of Cao Cao's soldiers, peeking out from the base.

" **I don't know,"** says another Wei solider. **"Man, I sure wish Lord Cao Cao was in here with us. These Wu guys sure know how to throw a late night party!"**

The two Wei soldiers then close the massive doors shut. Cao Cao gets up from being knocked onto the ground and hobbles toward the door once again.

" **OPEN UP THIS DOOR, NOW!"** Cao Cao shouts once again.

This time, the door opens slightly, with Cao Cao's scout slipping out looking pretty drunk.

" **What the hell is going on in there?"** Cao Cao demands.

" **Well sir…(hic!) the Wu kingdom owns this base…(hic!) and apparently they…(hic!) invited your soldiers to party with them…(hic!),"** the intoxicated scout reports.

" **Such ridiculous folly! Tell them to get their act together before I personally have them hung!"** Cao Cao says furiously.

" **Sorry sir, no can do…(hic!), it seems as though I'm about to pass out from having too much to drink!"** the scout says, saluting drunkenly before passing out onto the ground.

Cao Cao just stood there before crying from frustration.

* * *

 **Cao Cao's Castle, Throne Room**

 **SLAM!**

The doors that lead into Cao Cao's royal chambers slams open as Cao Cao enters into the room. As he made his way toward his throne, he passs his officers who were lined up on each side of the walkway. Cao Cao sat in his lavish seat and takes the glass of wine that his trusted scout had readied for him.

" **Last night's midnight convoy was a disaster! My trusted officers…I will not tolerate any more failures anymore! The other kingdoms have bested us far too many times! It's time for change!"** Cao Cao announces.

 **"Duh…change? You mean as in like...changing my underwear? Because I forgot to this morning…"** Xu Zhu says, scratching his head.

" **That's not what I meant!"** Cao Cao shoots back. **"I mean change as in strategy!"**

" **So you're saying my techniques aren't good enough for you then?"** Sima Yi says, raising an eyebrow.

" **No, and you should know because you got owned by Zhuge Liang every single time!"** Cao Cao says. **"I swear, all of you are a bunch of losers!"**

" **So what is this beautiful plan you wish for us to start following?"** Zhang He asks.

" **Effective immediately, all of you are going to undergo training in the fields that each of you aren't familiar with!"** Cao Cao says. **"In other words, the strategists will undergo combat training, the dimwitted ones will be schooled in basic strategy, the veteran soldiers will learn proper culture and etiquette, and the weak petite ones will be training to improve their battle performance. Doing this will improve your overall performance on the battlefield."**

" **Are you serious?"** Zhang Liao says.

" **Lord Cao Cao, you can't be serious, we only have a week until we wage another against the other kingdoms!"** Dian Wei says.

" **Read my lips: I don't care! Now all of you are going to start immediately! Now go!"** Cao Cao commands.

All of the officers mutter to themselves in discontent as they left Cao Cao's chambers. All that remain was Cao Cao and his trusted scout.

" **What about me, Lord Cao Cao?"** the scout asks.

" **Hmm…I'll be busy training these peons…so I want you to be acting ruler for the next five hours, got it?"** Cao Cao says.

" **Yes sir!"** the scout says while saluting.

Cao Cao gets up off of his throne and leaves the premises.

* * *

 **Solider Training Grounds**

Minutes later, Cao Cao meets up with his strategist, Sima Yi, to teach him the basics of combat.

" **Alright, now pay attention. Planning out our moves in warfare is one thing, but what will you do if you get ambushed by an enemy officer?"** Cao Cao asks Sima Yi.

" **I'll hit them with my Black Feather Fan,"** Sima Yi responds.

" **Wrong answer. How you even fight with such an unorthodox weapon is beyond me. Anyways, you need to be able to wield a real weapon! Here, try this out,"** Cao Cao says as he hands Sima Yi some nunchucks.

Sima Yi takes the weapon and looks at it.

" **How am I supposed to use such a primitive and savage weapon?"** Sima Yi says, raising an eyebrow.

" **You swing it around you moron!"** Cao Cao says.

" **Oh…"** Sima Yi says, as he began to swing around the nunchucks with ease. **"Hey…this weapon isn't half bad…"**

 **THWACK!**

No sooner when Sima Yi was getting use to his new weapon, he ends up hitting himself on the forehead, knocking him out cold as he fell to the ground with a crash.

" **This is going to be a long day…"** Cao Cao thought to himself.

* * *

 **Cao Cao's Personal Library**

Cao Cao was sitting impatiently in a quiet corner of the library waiting for Xu Zhu and Pang De to finish reading their books on basic strategy maneuvers.

While they read, Pang De looks up at Cao Cao.

" **Lord Cao Cao, I'm just wondering…why am I here in strategy training? Shouldn't I be with the others who will be doing etiquette training instead?"** Pang De asks.

" **No, you know why? Because all you ever do is take direct orders from me, but never do anything on your own initiative!"** Cao Cao says.

" **Oh…"** Pang De says, before noticing the book Xu Zhu was reading. **"Say, what's big boy reading then?"**

" **Hooked On Phonics: Strategy Edition For Dummies…"** Cao Cao says with a sigh.

* * *

 **Solider Training Grounds**

Next, Cao Cao tries teaching Zhang He and Zhen Ji the basics of physical fitness.

" **Granted you two are lean and fit, but you'll be facing soldiers who'll break you like a twig because of their massive strength! That's why both of you need to tone up on your physique!"** Cao Cao explains. **"Now try lifting up this rock."**

Both Zhang He and Zhen Ji both look at the dusty rock that sat before them on the ground.

" **I'm not touching that…"** Zhang He says.

" **Do it!"** Cao Cao says, shaking his fist at them.

Both of them sigh as they both bend down to pick up the rock, only to hurt their backs in the process.

" **This is not as beautiful as I first thought it would be…"** Zhang He says, wincing in pain.

" **I've never lifted anything heavier other than my flute…"** Zhen Ji adds, on the verge of tears from hurting her back.

Cao Cao was also on the verge of crying from frustration on how the training sessions were going at this point.

* * *

 **The Dining Hall**

The last session of the day was to teach the rest of his main officers, the veteran fighters, some proper etiquette.

" **I once read a book on Japanese Tea Ceremonies, and I figured I'd teach it to you guys. That way you'll have some culture to go along with your array of skills,"** Cao Cao explains.

In front of each man on the table were teacups and a few pitchers of hot tea.

" **Now each of you take a turn and gently pour yourselves a cup of tea,"** Cao Cao instructs.

Xiahou Dun reaches for the pitcher, but accidentally knocks it over onto the table, which spilled out and seeped onto Xu Huang's lap, who screamed when the piping hot tea scorches his pants. Cao Ren and Xiahou Yuan each take a cup, but ends up breaking the cups by the grip of their hands. Dian Wei chugs down the hot tea to his satisfaction, while Zhang Liao slurps his very loudly.

Cao Cao turns and leaves the room without saying a word after witnessing his officer's clumsy attempt at etiquette.

* * *

 **Cao Cao's Castle, Throne Room**

Cao Cao returns to the throne room, where he sees his son Cao Pi speaking to the scout whom he put in charge for the time being.

" **So, anything happen while I was gone?"** Cao Cao sighs.

" **Your trusted scout here just declared war with the other kingdoms tomorrow instead of next week,"** Cao Pi says.

" **WHAT?!"** Cao Cao yelps in a high pitch voice. **"YOU FOOL! CANCEL THE DECLARATION! WE AREN'T READY!"** he yells angrily.

" **No can do sir, I signed an official document. Sun Jian, Liu Bei, Dong Zhuo, and Meng Huo all came and signed it as well,"** the scout says.

 **"Fuck…"** Cao Cao says, slumping onto his throne. **"Cai Pi, tell everyone to get ready immediately. We leave first thing in the morning…"** Cao Cao says, sighing loudly.

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for new chapters as this fic is updated constantly!**


	8. Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: Part 2

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: End of Honor: Part 2**

The next morning, Cao Cao's forces were already stationed at their designated posts. Due to yesterday's change in commands, every officer was taking up a new task based on the training they received.

Cao Cao walks toward his officers and clears his throat.

" **Alright, this battle will start in five minutes. Remember what I've taught you yesterday. You'd be surprised on how expanding your horizons will have a greater impact on your battle performance,"** Cao Cao explains. **"Now, go and don't screw up!"**

His officers salute him and leave soon after.

* * *

 **Sima Yi Tries To Act Tough**

The war begins, and Sima Yi decides to pit his newly obtained macho skills against someone tough.

Sima Yi rides over toward an attack base and approaches the main gate. He gets off the horse and bangs onto the large wooden gate.

" **Yeah, who is it?"** says a guard from inside.

 **" _Let's see…gotta do what Cao Cao instructed…"_** Sima Yi thought to himself. **"It is I, the great Sima Yi! You better open the door or prepare to fall to my awesome martial arts skills!"** Sima Yi announces in a semi-macho tome.

The massive gate soon opens, and out steps Lu Bu.

" **So you're the peon who wishes to kick my butt huh?"** Lu Bu roars, glaring down at Sima Yi.

Sima Yi gulps as he stares back up at Lu Bu. **"Well…I…uh…"**

" **Well, are you going to fight me or not, you chicken?"** Lu Bu taunts.

" **How dare you call me chicken, take this!"** Sima Yi says, whipping out his nunchucks to attacking Lu Bu with them.

 **CRACK!**

Upon impact, the nunchucks broke when it hits Lu Bu. Lu Bu growls angrily and went to grab Sima Yi.

Back at the main camp, Cao Cao watches the battle wage on normally from his POV. Suddenly, he sees Lu Bu coming toward him, holding something in his hand.

" **Special delivery,"** Lu Bu says, plopping the box in front of Cao Cao before leaving.

" **What's this?"** Cao Cao says, picking up the purple box decorated with black feathers.

The tag on front says **'Strategist In A Box'**.

"… **This can't be good…"** Cao Cao says, wide eyes at what Lu Bu did to Sima Yi.

* * *

 **Zhang He and Zhen Ji Test Their Might**

In another area of the battlefield, Zhang He and Zhen Ji approach Dong Zhuo's gold storage. The gate in front of the base was cracked open, as if someone forgot to lock it. They step inside.

" **Look at all of this gold! I can finally afford a wedding ring for my beloved Cao Pi!"** Zhen Ji says, dazzled at all of the riches in front of them.

" **Let us make off with this cash soon, so that I can go get my hair done,"** Zhang He says.

Before both of them could pounce upon the gold, someone was approaching from the outside toward the very base.

" **Who's in my gold stash? I'll squash anyone who takes a single piece of my gold!"** yells Dong Zhuo as he slams open the doors.

" **Busted…"** Zhen Ji says.

" **Zhen Ji, you take a few bags of gold while I hold off the pompous fool,"** Zhang He instructs.

Zhen Ji nods and starts gathering gold while Zhang He approaches Dong Zhuo.

" **Step aside!"** Zhang He says to Dong Zhuo.

" **Make me, skinny-boy,"** Dong Zhuo taunts.

Zhang He steps up to the tyrant and tried to shove him, only to force himself to be pushed back instead.

" **Bwahaha! What was that?"** Dong Zhuo laughs as he gently shoves Zhang He, sending the Wei officer flying several feet backwards.

Meanwhile, Zhen Ji struggles to pick up a single bag of coins as she could barely lift one off of the ground.

" **Oh no you don't!"** Dong Zhuo says, now charging toward Zhen Ji. **"I'll turn you and your prissy partner into currency!"**

A loud scream came from within that gold storage base as Dong Zhuo laughes with glee.

Some time later, Dong Zhuo was next to approach Cao Cao at his camp.

" **Here, you can have these worthless coins,"** Dong Zhuo says, tossing down gold coins at Cao Cao before riding off on his horse.

Cao Cao caught the coins and looks at them. One had a picture of Zhang He and the other hand Zhen Ji engraved on it, with both officers looking pretty disheveled and horrified.

Cao Cao was aghast at what he was seeing.

He was beginning to think this was all a big mistake.

* * *

 **Xu Zhu And Pang De Try Strategy**

At the Wei main camp, Cao Pi was left to let Pang De and Xu Zhu delegate some of the actions regarding the war.

" **Okay, listen up you two, my father has told me to let you two issue out orders directly to our military in action. Now, go on top of the hill and proclaim your orders to the army,"** Cao Pi instructs.

Both men nod and make their way toward a nearby hill. Xu Zhu was the first to give out orders.

" **DUH…WEI SOLDIERS! ATTACK ALL OF THE SOLDIERS WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!"** Zhu Xu calls out.

Every Wei soldier hears the orders and began attacking each other along with the enemy.

" **That didn't sound right. You told the Wei soldiers to attack ALL soldiers? Now they're attacking each other because you weren't specific!"** Pang De says. **"Let me try."**

Pang De went up to the edge of the hill and yells out his orders.

" **WEI SOLDIERS! ATTACK THE MAIN CAMP!"** Pang De calls out.

All of the Wei soldiers stop and immediately turn around, facing Wei's main camp. They all shout in unison as they began stampeding toward their own base.

" **Duh…you're not so good at giving commands either…"** Xu Zhu says, scratching his head.

Seconds later, Cao Cao and his son Cao Pi ran up the hill where Pang De and Xu Zhu were standing.

" **What…are…you…DOING?! This is NOT the kind of orders I would issue you IDIOTS!"** Cao Cao loudly growls with anger.

All four of them then witnessed their main camp get trampled by their own military within seconds.

* * *

 **The Tea Ceremony**

An hour later, Cao Cao was seen leading the rest of his men toward a neutral base in the center of the battlefield.

" **Alright men, this is the last chance we have to make a name for ourselves in this battle. I want all of you to show these women in this base proper tea ceremony etiquette, and don't screw it up!"** Cao Cao says, opening the door to the base.

Dian Wei, Xiahou Dun, Xu Huang, Zhang Liao, Cao Ren, and Xiahou Yuan stepped inside and sat in a row behind a large table. On the opposite end of the table were the Qiao sisters, Yue Ying, Sun Shang Xiang, and Diao Chan.

" **Welcome, men. The deal is if you can demonstrate proper etiquette to us, we will relinquish control of a territory over to your kingdom,"** Diao Chan says. **"Now, begin."**

Dian Wei reaches over to grab the tiny teacup.

 **CRACK!**

" **Whoops! My massive grip broke the cup into pieces…"** Dian Wei says with much embarrassment.

Zhang Liao began pouring the tea into Xu Huang's cup, but it slipped, making the tea spill into Xu Huang lap.

" **YAAH! Watch it you jerk!"** Xu Huang yells as he fanned his scorched crotch.

Xiahou Yuan takes a sip of his tea.

" **PTTTTTHHHHHBBBBB! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS STUFF?! THIS IS THE WORST THING I EVER DRANK!"** Xiahou Yuan yells with much dismay.

Both Cao Ren and Xiahou Dun refused to take part in the ceremony after seeing the reaction of the other two.

At the door, Cao Cao was peeking inside seeing the mess his officers had made.

He cried in frustration and left to go gather his army to go home for the day.

* * *

 **Cao Cao Is Stupid**

The next day after the disastrous battle, Cao Cao sat on his throne exasperated at the outcome of the previous battle.

" **Dammit…why can't I ever win? This kingdom will go to pot if something isn't done soon…"** Cao Cao contemplates.

Just then, his son Cao Pi enters his father's chambers.

" **Father, there are a few people out front who wish to see you,"** Cao Pi announces.

" **Who is it?"** Cao Cao says, not looking at his son.

" **They are the leaders of the other kingdoms. They have come to offer a truce,"** Cao Pi continues.

Cao Cao looks up at his son and glares at him.

" **You can't be serious,"** Cao Cao says dryly.

" **Indeed I am. So, what are you going to do about it?"** Cao Pi asks.

" **Tell them to leave,"** Cao Cao says.

"… **So you won't go through with it then?"** Cao Pi inquires.

Cao Cao glares up at his son again.

" **Fine, fine…"** Cao Pi says as he left the chambers.

Cao Cao sat there and contemplated about the truce proposal.

" **Hmmm…The same similar thing happened a while back when Xu Zhu signed our kingdom over to himself…and that time it wasn't a trick…and then yesterday during the tea ceremony…they were ready to give in if my men showed magnificent etiquette skills…if they are doing this now…then that means…"** Cao Cao thought out loud.

 **"…THS IS FOR REAL!"**

Cao Cao shoots up out of his throne and began running toward the front of his castle. He bursts out the front gates, where he only saw his son standing there.

 **"Where are they? Where are the other leaders?"** Cao Cao demands.

" **They already left. They seemed very disappointed in your decision,"** Cao Pi says.

 **"Godammit!"** Cao Cao yells before gritting his teeth and growling as he turns to return to his castle.

" **Son, gather everyone to my throne room, immediately!"** Cao Cao demands, not turning to look back at his son. **"We are going to take down each leader of the other kingdoms, then I will be the only one left that's worthy to rule China!"**

* * *

 **Please review and keep watch for the final chapter as this fic is updated constantly!**


	9. Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: Part 3

**Cao Cao's Battle Report 4: End of Honor: Part 3**

That same night, Cao Cao holds one final meeting with his officers with instructions on invading the other territories.

" **Men and women of Wei, time and time again have we been bested and humiliated by the other faction leaders this past year. Time and time again the other leaders have offered to surrender their land to us, and in the end, my misjudgment caused that opportunity to be destroyed. My officers, it is now high time, after three embarrassing installments of this series, that we do the ultimate deed to ensure victory throughout China!"** Cao Cao announces. **"So, what is it that we will do tonight?"** he asks his army.

" **Give up and surrender with our tails between our legs?"** Cao Pi responds with a glum expression.

" **NO! We are going to assassinate the leaders of each kingdom during the night!"** Cao Cao proclaims.

 **"But sir, remember when you tried to seize a base during a midnight raid a few nights ago? It didn't go so well,"** Cao Cao's loyal scout says.

" **Yes…and it was all your fault!"** Cao Cao says, pointing at his officers. **"Why the hell is it so difficult for you people to carry out simple tasks? Am I stuck in some sort of twisted demented fantasy written by a franchise-loving author?!"** Cao Cao demands.

" **Well, Lord Cao Cao, part of the reason you fail is from your lack of leadership skills and bad judgment,"** Sima Yi says in a cheeky tone.

" **WHAT?! FODDER!"** Cao Cao shoots back **. "Enough of this nonsense! I'm dividing you guys into four groups. Each group will set out and infiltrate the compounds of either Sun Jian, Liu Bei, Meng Huo, and Dong Zhuo within the shadows of darkness! All of you better succeed or else I'll destroy each of you myself!"** Cao Cao commands. **"NOW GO AND DO THINGS RIGHT!"**

With that said, Cao Cao's officers and soldiers set out to carry out the final missions.

* * *

 **Sun Jian's Compound**

" **The coast is clear…let's go!"**

Cao Pi, Xu Zhu, and Pang De were charged with infiltrating Sun Jian's castle. As the three sneak through the pitch-black hallways, they hear a noise.

" **Wait…that low growling voice…is there a monster nearby?"** Pang De asks, ready to pull out his halberds.

" **Uh…nope…just my stomach…I'm hungry…"** Xu Zhu says, tapping his stomach.

" **Why did father insist on bringing him along anyway?"** Cao Pi says, sighing in frustration. **"Come on, let's find Sun Jian's room, whack him, and get the heck out of here before we are found!"**

The three continue to creep along the dark halls and up the stairs until they reach a lavish looking door at the top floor.

" **This must be it. Come on,"** Cao Pi says, slowly opening the door.

The three men sneak into the room quietly and stop at the side of the bed.

" **Okay, hand me the assassin's dagger,"** Cao Pi says to Pang De.

" **Assassin's dagger? I thought Xu Zhu had it!"** Pang De responds.

" **Duh…nope, I don't have it,"** Xu Zhu says, scratching his head.

" **Oh never mind! I'll do it myself!"** Cao Pi growled, pulling out his twin pikes.

Just as Cao Pi prepares to strike Sun Jian in his bed, the light suddenly clicks on.

They were not in Sun Jian's room, but in Da Qiao's room instead. Da Qiao was staring back at Cao Pi as she clicks on her bedside lamp.

" **Who the hell are you?! Cao Cao's men?!"** Da Qiao says, shocked at the intrusion.

" **Uh oh…that's not Sun Jian…"** Pang De says, gulping.

" **Oh wow…that's a cool light thingy you have there…how come we don't have one?"** Xu Zhu says, more marveled at her lamp than the situation.

"… **This is not good…"** Cao Pi says.

" **HELP! SECURITY!"** yells Da Qiao

Before the three men could react, another man was suddenly breathing down their necks.

They slowly turn around to see that Zhou Tai standing before him, brandishing his samurai sword.

" **Say goodnight, peeping toms,"** Zhou Tai says, clicking off the light before tearing the crap out of them on the spot.

The cries for help and agony could be heard outside of Sun Jian's castle.

* * *

 **Liu Bei's Compound**

Meanwhile at Liu Bei's castle, Zhang He, Zhen Ji, and Sima Yi were grouped together and ordered to kill of Liu Bei.

" **Why was I paired up with you two prissy fools?"** Sima Yi grumbles. **"And why did Cao Cao's scout give me this stupid assassin's dagger? Wasn't it supposed to be for Cao Pi's group?"** he continues while twirling the dagger between his fingers.

" **Shush! We must float quietly like a butterfly down the halls and swiftly dispose of this Liu Bei character,"** Zhang He says.

" **Yes…and anyone who dares to stop us will be forced to listen to my god-awful flute-playing skills,"** Zhen Ji says.

The three make their way down the hallways until they reach a dead-end.

" **This isn't the way! Don't you know where you are going?"** Sima Yi says, tapping his foot.

" **Oh shut up, fan-boy. I need to take a break anyways,"** Zhen Ji says, leaning up against the wall, only to slip and fall against a pedestal, ultimately knocking off a vase off of it.

Acting quickly, Zhang He leaps forward and catches the vase before it hits the ground. As he catches it, some water that was in it splashes out onto Zhen Ji.

" **Ugh! You got my dress wet!"** Zhen Ji scoffs.

" **Here, use this towel hanging next to me,"** Sima Yi says, tugging on something next to him.

After giving it one good yank, Sima Yi brought forward not a towel, but a long beard…

…Guan Yu's beard to be exact.

Everyone gulps.

" **Oh no…this will not end well…"** says Zhen Ji says nervously.

" **Blue Dragon strikes!"** Guan Yu proclaims, pulling out his weapon and swinging it at Zhang He and Zhen Ji.

Sima Yi manages to escape as he hears the screams of his team members behind him. Thinking he got away, he runs around the corner of another hallway and runs into someone else.

It was Zhuge Liang…

…brandishing a modern-day pistol.

" **Any last words, my arch-rival?"** Zhuge Liang says.

" **Yes…you suck, Zhuge Liang,"** Sima Yi says.

 **BANG!**

* * *

 **Meng Huo's Compound**

Meanwhile, the group assigned to infiltrate Meng Huo: Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, and Dian Wei, arrive just outside of the Nanman Leader's encampment. They sneak inside and stop in front of the largest tent.

 **"Okay, so what's the plan, Dun?"** Dian Wei asks as all three men peek their heads inside the tent, seeing Men Huo snoring loudly in his bed.

 **"What else? Stab Meng Huo with a knife!"** Xiahou Dun responds. **"C'mon and let's get this over with!"**

The three men procee inside the tent and surround Meng Huo's bed.

 **"This will be over in a flash,"** Xiahou Yuan says as he pulled out a knife from his pocket and thrusts it into Meng Huo's body.

 **CRUUUUNCH!**

...which ultimately bent out of shape upon colliding with his skin.

 **"Damn...I knew the Nanman people's skin was tough, but no _this_ tough!" **Dian Wei says, wide-eyed at Xiahou Yuan's now ruined knife.

 **"Do we have an alternative?"** Xiahou Yuan asks Xiahou Dun.

 **"I'll try my sword,"** Xiahou Dun says, pulling out his large blade.

However, before he could act, Meng Huo rolls over in his bed and grabs Xiahou Dun by the arm and pulls him into bed with him, thinking that Dun is a teddy bear.

 _ **"Son of a...guys! Get me out of here!"**_ Xiahou Dun whispers to the other two.

 **"Right!"** both Yuan and Wei say as they tried to pry Meng Huo away from Dun, only for Meng Huo to grab the other two as well. He held them so tight they couldn't escape.

 **"Oh for the love of...now what?"** Xiahou Dun asks.

Before anyone could respond, Zhu Rong, Meng Huo's wife, enters the tent.

 **"Honey, I'm back from my trip. You still aw-WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!"** Zhu Rong yells as she sees her husband sleeping with the other men. Meng Huo is woken up in an instant, and sees the men he had grabbed laying next to him.

 **"WEI OFFICERS?! WHY THE HELL WERE YOU SLEEPING WITH ME?!"** Meng Huo yells to the men.

 **"It's not our fault-"** Dian Wei protests.

 **"SHUT-UP!"** Meng Huo yells back **. "PREPARE TO DIE!"**

Together with his wife, Meng Huo proceeds to clobber the three Wei officers all night long.

* * *

 **Dong Zhuo's Compound**

The final three officers sent by Cao Cao were Xu Huang, Cao Ren, and Zhang Liao. They soon arrive at Dong Zhuo's castle. After climbing in through a secret compartment on the outside walls, the three men travel down the dark corridors of the tyrant's castle.

 **"Okay men, let's split up. Each of us will check one of these rooms down the hall. If one of us finds Dong Zhuo, we oust him and leave promptly,"** Cao Ren suggests.

 **"What if something happens to one of us?"** Xu Huang inquires.

 **"Nothing will happen. Besides, who's going to be awake at this hour anyways? Now, let's go!"** Zang Liao responds.

All three men nod and take the nearest door they could find.

Xu Huang found a door first and went inside.

 **"It's so dark in here..."** he says, looking for some source of light.

 **"To your left,"** says a voice within the darkness.

 **"Oh thanks,"** Xu Huang says, reaching over to light a wall lamp next to him.

The light came on, and Xu Huang saw who was standing in front of him.

It was Lu Bu.

 **"Hunting time!"** Lu Bu proclaims, before blowing out the light.

 **"Whoops..."** was all that Xu Huang could say before Lu Bu jumped him in the darkness.

Cao Ren found the next room. When he entered, he tripped over something on the floor and landed on a large bed. That's when he heard a voice next to him.

 **"Why hello there. Come for some fun, Wei-man?"** says Diao Chan.

Cao Ren gulps as Diao Chan laughs with delight before knocking his block off with her maces.

Finally, Zhang Liao entered into the last bedroom in the hall. Once inside, he lit a lamp nearby the door and looked about the room.

 **"This looks like Dong Zhuo's gold storage..."** Zhang Liao comments, looking about the room at the huge abundance of gold coins, gold bars, and a giant portrait of Dong Zhuo hanging on the wall...holding a shotgun.

 **"My...that portrait looks so real..."** Zhang Liao says, stepping closer to get a better look.

 **"That's right! So real it will kill you!"** says Dong Zhuo, which was actually him in the picture frame and not some artwork. He loads his gun and points it at Zhang Liao.

 **"...Will this was a disaster..."** was the last thing out of Zhang Liao's mouth before being pumped full of lead by the money hungry tyrant.

* * *

 **Epilogue**

The next day upon hearing the destruction of all of his officers by his most trusted scout, Cao Cao panics and attempts to flee the country. However, along the way, he was captured by a joint coalition from the other kingdoms and was charged with conspiracy and espionage. His ultimate punishment was being sent to spend eternity as a trash collector all over China. His trusted scout would eventually become the successful new Emperor of China within the coming years after learning how not to rule like Cao Cao has done. A sad ending, yes, but this is what happens to people when anger, frustration, and bad judgment cloud their vision of success...especially if your name is Cao Cao.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Please review, and check out all of our other stories here!**


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